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We are merry minstrels, a-travelling on tour,
We've defeated many hecklers, now we're bards at level four.
We could sing you songs of monsters that you thought were only myth
But tonight we'd like to sing about the monsters that are shit.

We could sing to you of Dragons, Giants or Goblins, but tonight,
We're going to sing about the monsters that are shite. [Owlbear]

The Owlbear is mighty, its ferocity's renowned
you can't sneak attack an Owlbear, cos its head turns right around.
If you meet a roving mauler, cover up your eyes,
You don't want to see this monster from the other side.

The Beholder is an eye with eyes, it's deadly in a fight
But easily defeated if you just switch off the light.
A Drow's an evil emo, with blades all up their arm;
You don't even have to kill them, if you wait they will self-harm.

An Atopal is a zombie fetus risen from the dead
It has no limbs or teeth but it might try to suck your head?
The Grain-Nymph is a sexy field, so men will want to plough her
She's a Nymphograniac, and when she's grinding she makes flour

The "Giant Space Hamster" may seem stupid and surreal,
But when they rule the universe you can say that from your wheels.
The Giff is proof that at some point a man & hippo mated
Ironically .... this picture's not a GIF, it is a JPEG.

The Gelationous Cube is jelly, if that doesn't make you scared,
that's why they created the GELATINOUS BEAR.
This topiary monster is a shrubbery so lush,
it serves as a reminder that you need to trim your bush.

The Mimic is a chest, but they gave it some teeth,
...and it tries to bite your face off
The Feeder is a sword, but they gave it some teeth, it can try to bite your face off.
The Peltast is a bag - but they gave it some teeth
Death Linen's a pillow - but they gave it some teeth
Flannel Beast's a flannel - but they gave it teeth
The Toothbeast... is teeth... and they gave it more teeth.

You may think that these monsters suck, and they could never harm ya,
But THEY kill women all the time, because women don't wear any armour.
Women don't wear armour
Women don't wear armour
Women don't wear armour
She should've worn some armour
Women don't wear armour
Women don't wear armour
Someone open an armour shop for women.